A satirical take on the United States

Satire: The Cure for Abortion

In the United States, abortions happen on a daily basis. Women are allowed to choose to have abortions, and do not need to have a rationale to support their decision. Many organizations exist today that are founded upon the belief that an abortion is tantamount to murder; however, as a result of the trial of Roe V. Wade, women can legally choose to abort their child within the early phases of its conception, regardless of the opinions of others.

Righteous organizations that exist on the behalf of these unborn fetuses are entitled to their opinions. Americans should consider alternate perspectives.

Our own presidential candidate for the Republican party, Senator John McCain, along with his vice presidential candidate, Sarah Palin, a Pentecostal Christian, believe that abortion should be made unlawful in all cases, including those of rape, endangerment to the life of the mother, and incest. Were McCain and Palin to be elected into office, abortion would be made illegal, no exceptions.

But it would not be too difficult for women to grow accustomed to such a strict policy. For this new policy to function, however many things would need to change:

First and foremost, many women have to work in order to support themselves; were a women to become pregnant, not only would the birth of this child require her utmost attention, but also this new responsibility would mean she would not be able to work, and thus support herself and her child. I propose that the government create daycares capable of supporting and feeding, during the times which the mother or father is working, all of the children that would otherwise have been aborted. These institutions would be expected to provide these services, free of charge to the parents. The cost of establishing such institutions might appear extreme to the government, but if abortions are to be made illegal, then certain hardships are only to be expected. As a follow-up clause to the aforementioned, all mothers unemployed at the time of their child’s birth would be obligated to work at these “institutions”, thus insuring the health of these children, and a steady income for the mothers, provided by the government.

Secondly, in many situations, these “unwanted” children are often placed in the care of only the mothers. The fathers will jump the coop in order to avoid the responsibility of raising a child. If the mother cannot abort her child, then she is left with the responsibility of raising it alone, with no assistance from the father. Thus the third clause of my proposal is this: “the fathers must remain to help support the child.” Many may be asking, “How on earth could one possible guarantee that the father will uphold his duty to the mother. Simple, explosive tracking collars: upon designating whom was responsible for the impregnation, the father will be required to submit himself to the government to receive his collar, the tracking device implanted in the mother will be matched to the collar, making it so that if the father were to attempt to flee the country, the collar’s alarm would activate and explode. Any attempts to tamper with or remove the collar would result in its subsequent explosion as well. The men will be forced to remain and will be given schedules during which they will be expected to take care of the child. The reason for which the country will adapt such drastic measures in dealing with its men is this: If the men were not forced to remain with the mothers, then they would make the women’s lives more difficult as single parents. The men would also not be upholding their ends as parents. As an added bonus to this clause, if the men do attempt to escape, it will show that they are incapable of parenting, thus when the collars activate and kill them, it will prevent any further propagation of these “bad seeds”.

Thirdly, while many (homosexuals, single people wanting children, etc.) cannot have children themselves, they frequently use sperm and egg banks. Unfortunately, as a result of the drastic flux in childbirths in America, Sperm and Egg banks will be eliminated to decrease the number of children. There are already too many children to deal with as it is. Additionally, anyone discovered giving or receiving an abortion will be sentenced to death effective immediately; the life of the child takes precedence over that of the parent’s.  Lastly, Masturbation will be banned as well as the use of contraceptive devices during intercourse, as these are all forms of ending life amongst our own species. To ensure that people follow these laws, video and audio surveillance cameras will be installed in all rooms of all households.

While all of this may seem a tad extreme, it is for the greater good of America, if we want this great nation to succeed, then we must strive for greatness and abolish abortion under any circumstance. After all, doesn’t the possibility of this new world hold so much more appeal than the shameless unholy world we inhabit in our present day?